


I got the magic in me

by NatRoze



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Dubiously unsafe use of a chainsaw, Happy birthday Amber, I dont actually know how magic tricks work i wrote this in an hour & didnt research it, M/M, Magician AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 22:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9628019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatRoze/pseuds/NatRoze
Summary: "Now don't you worry," he assures the audience. "Only a 20% chance of death in this trick, which is why I ain't doin' it myself, haha!" To Kei, he says, "You're totally fine, my guy, I'm just fuckin' around. Perfectly safe. Mostly. Nahhhh, I'm just fuckin' with you now." He pokes Kei in the cheek with a giggle. Kei is furious to discover he finds it kind of cute, if he looks past the imminent tidal wave of rage.Kei smiles beatifically, and quiet enough that only Tendou can hear, he says, "I cannot wait to tell my therapist about you."In which Tsukishima becomes the mildly-horrified audience participant in Tendou's magic show





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rarepairenabler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rarepairenabler/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMBER!!! I love you a lot, which is why I'm throwing nearly 2k of unbeta'd shenanigans at you at top speed (ignore the fact that it's a day late, this is as fast as I can go)  
> Anyway, I think I was gonna draw this, but I actually write faster than I draw, and the tentsukki tag always needs love.

Tsukishima Kei is having a fantastically bad evening.

_It shouldn't_ have been bad. Yamaguchi's birthday is never a bad experience; the locations he chooses to celebrate at are always pleasant, never loud, usually involve decent food and at least a little alcohol and frequently a dark corner Kei can vanish into when the other partygoers get too irritating.

This year, Yamaguchi's chosen to celebrate his birthday at a magic show. It's a little out of character - past events have included barhopping with friends, or karaoke with friends, or game night with friends. Certainly their friends are here too - Kageyama, Yachi, and Hinata are sitting to Yamaguchi's other side in the _second fucking row_ of this particular magic show - but the five of them are surrounded by a few hundred other patrons of the theater here to see some red-haired maniac juggle saws.

Said red-haired maniac, whom the posters and tickets had advertised as "The Miraculous Tendou," is tossed a third saw to juggle by his eager bowl-cut assistant. Kei winces as he nearly misses catching the handle. He doesn't think it would make for a very miraculous show if this guy were sent to the hospital. Just watching this display is stressing him out, and this is only the first trick.

When the man had walked out onstage, Kei hadn't known quite what to expect. Between the flaming red hair, the crisp lime green tuxedo (which, despite Kei's irritation, suited him quite well), and his wide eyes, he had a certain… wild allure, that had Kei already bracing for something unusual to happen at the show. As it turned out he was right; The Miraculous Tendou does not fuck around with card tricks or pulling doves out of his lime tuxedo sleeves. He _does_ pull a dove out of his assistant's pants, which is probably the least concerning thing he does all night. This stunt and the saw-juggling are followed up by juggling of flaming batons, and then flaming _saws_ , and a thing involving locking his assistant in a box and driving swords through it as if stabbing the young man, but upon opening the box revealing him to be completely un-stabbed.

Through this all, The Miraculous Asshole rapid-fires off the shittiest jokes and quips about everything he does. He flirts with the audience, he flirts with his assistant, he seductively licks one of the saws after putting out the flame. He's smarmy, like a parody infomercial, and it grates on Kei's nerves like nothing else. His intelligence feels gravely insulted.

Kei's anxiety doesn't abate the entire show, but his irritation _does_ spike. Next to him, Yamaguchi is fascinated and clapping at every successful trick, and Kei feels _bad_ for not enjoying it. It's Yamaguchi's goddamn birthday, he should be having fun. Instead he's six seconds from fleeing the room or setting it on fire.

"I gotta use the bathroom," he mutters to Yamaguchi, before standing to shuffle his way out of their row.

The moment he stands, he hears the mirthful voice onstage whoop loudly and holler, "I see we have a volunteer from the audience!" and a spotlight bursts to life directly over Kei.

It is, quite frankly, the end of the fucking world.

Kei makes a mad scramble over the few remaining people seated between him and the aisle, but by the time he makes it out, the bowl-cut assistant is there to meet him, and locks his elbow with Kei's.

"Don’t you _dare_ ," Kei hisses.

"Don't worry! It's gonna be fine, none of this is dangerous or anything! I mean, mostly." Bowl Cut laughs like he isn't marching Kei to his imminent death by embarrassment.

Up on the stage, Kei has a perfect view of the audience, and immediately picks out his friends in the second row. Yamaguchi and Yachi are giving him nervous thumbs-ups. Kageyama looks disgruntled, but that might just be his face. Hinata is eagerly cheering for him, and Kei resolves to not speak to him for a week.

The Miraculous Tendou approaches Kei with a shit-eating grin on his face. As he nears Kei, he strips out of his lime green tuxedo jacket and tosses it off somewhere, and winks at Kei with the eye the audience can't see.

Kei reminds himself that this guy probably has security guards, and he'd get arrested if he socked him in his irritatingly attractive face and ran. He probably wouldn't even make it out the front door.

Bowl Cut disappears offstage, and Tendou throws an arm over Kei's shoulders. It's warm, and Tendou is _too close, Jesus,_ and Kei's face lights up like a Christmas light.

"Now don't you worry," he assures the audience. "Only a 20% chance of death in this trick, which is why I ain't doin' it myself, haha!" To Kei, he says, "You're totally fine, my guy, I'm just fuckin' around. Perfectly safe. Mostly. _Nahhhh_ , I'm just fuckin' with _you_ now." He pokes Kei in the cheek with a giggle. Kei is furious to discover he finds it kind of cute, if he looks past the imminent tidal wave of rage.

Kei smiles beatifically, and quiet enough that only Tendou can hear, he says, "I cannot _wait_ to tell my therapist about you."

Tendou’s eyebrows knit together and he stifles a grimace. He claps Kei on the back faux-cordially just as Bowl Cut wheels a long rectangular box on a covered table out through the curtains. It's gaudy and painted with shooting stars. One end of the rectangle has a hole big enough for Kei's head, and the other two holes big enough for his feet to fit through.

"Now," Tendou croons at the audience, "Our lovely volunteer here -- What's your name, buddy?"

_Go fuck yourself_ , Kei thinks. "Tsukishima Kei," he mutters.

"Tsukishima-kun  here, now, he's just a _liiiiiittle_ too tall. We gotta fix that, now, y'see. Tsukki-kun," and here, Kei experiences a full-body cringe, "We're gonna putcha in this nice box here, and we're just gonna go ahead and lop off whatever of ya sticks out the ends!"

The audience bursts into raucous laughter (save for Yachi, who pales noticeably next to Yamaguchi).

"Nahhhhh, I'm just kidding!" Tendou laughs along with him. "Might get in trouble for that! No, we're just gonna saw him in half! All the vital organs get to stick together that way."

Kei prays Tendou actually does saw him in half, because he has never wanted to die more.

While Tendou explains his trick, Bowl Cut leads Kei around the back of the table with the box. He opens the top of it, and Kei can immediately see how the trick works (there's extra space for his real legs to disappear into a secret compartment in the table covered by the tablecloth, and fake feet to poke out the other side of the box). He's not getting sawn in half today, which is somewhat of a relief, but he still wants to sink through the floor and disappear rather than have the audience watch him get humiliated up here onstage.

Bowl Cut nudges him. "Get in," he urges. Kei resists the need to vomit, and climbs into the box. The fake feet pop out the end of the box, and Bowl Cut closes the lid.

From beneath the table, he produces a fucking _chainsaw_ , which he hands to an eager Tendou.

Kei turns his head as best as he can and locks eyes with Yamaguchi in the audience. Yamaguchi weakly flashes him an _ok_ sign, and Kei glares pointedly back. With his head sideways, his glasses begin to slide off, so he quickly rights himself and finds himself face to face with Tendou, who's grinning like he just won the lottery.

"Party time." Tendou circles behind the table, winks at Kei, and runs his fucking tongue over his upper lip. Kei experiences what he believes to be the fires of hell igniting in his chest, and Tendou gleefully revs the chainsaw.

Kei shuts his eyes. For a moment there is nothing but the scream of whirring metal on wood as Tendou saws the box in half, narrowly missing Kei's knees. Adrenaline shoots through Kei. He wants to pass out. He wants to get out of the box and fistfight Tendou in the parking lot.

"And there we go!" Tendou passes the chainsaw back to Bowl Cut, and then makes a big show of pushing the two halves of the table apart to show the audience that he really did cut the whole thing in half. Then he fits them back together and says, "Now, let's put our wonderful audience volunteer back in one piece! Tsukki-kun, I have one more miracle for you tonight."

Kei pretends that line didn't sound as horrifyingly straight-out-of-a-bad-porno as it actually did. He pretends it for a whole six seconds before Tendou swoops over, leans in, and with a giddy "Abracadabra," presses a coy kiss to Kei's forehead.

If the fires of hell were already burning inside of Kei, they've fully consumed him now. Kei's face feels hot, his hands shake, he's not sure if he's furious or embarrassed or - oh, god damn it all, kind of attracted to Tendou, fine, he admits it. But regardless, in the back of Kei's mind, a dam breaks. It takes everything he has to not start screaming as Tendou dances around the back of the table and flips the lid - now bisected - off the box and let Kei out, obviously in one piece. Kei escapes without the help of Bowl Cut and is already storming his way up to Tendou when he realizes Tendou's approaching him too. They meet halfway in the middle of the stage and Tendou throws an arm around Kei, turns him toward the audience, and yells, "Tsukishima Kei, everybody!"

Kei wriggles free, and Tendou shakes his hand, and then Bowl Cut leads him back to the stairs into the audience. Kei does not return to his seat. Kei flees the room and escapes into the lobby, where he pulls out his phone to text Yamaguchi that he's going to just wait out here, thanks.

As he removes his phone, a slip of glittery red paper flutters to the ground out of his pocket. Warily, Kei picks it up. On the paper, in large uneven handwriting, is a phone number, and a note that reads _hmu if youre in the mood for another "miracle."_

Kei flushes and scoffs and curses magicians, and the concept of sleight of hand, and Tendou in particular. He marches resolutely in the direction of the recycle bin.

Halfway there, he stops, and peers conspiratorially around to make sure he's alone in the lobby, and then sheepishly pockets Tendou's number.


End file.
